Rent-a-Troll© services coming to you!

We’re living in beautiful times. There is a service for almost every of our needs, a gigantic industry revolving around providing and catering to our comforts. If you don’t manage to cook or clean up anymore because of your excessive time spent on World of Warcraft, just call up a number and get that pizza delivered straight home while the laundry service takes care of the washing and dry-cleaning. Too lazy to go shopping? PC homeshopping! Can’t be arsed to answer the phone? Here’s a catalog to the latest generation of answering machines! Can’t reach the light switch? Clap your hands twice!

We’ve seen a lot of trolling in the WoW blogosphere lately. These are busy times, Larísa and Tobold can both tell you about it and so can numerous other bloggers. Dealing with trolls is interesting at best, but unfortunately it doesn’t end there. Yet some bloggers think that getting a troll is like an “award” of sorts, some bizarre recognition of your blog’s publicity or the relevance of your opinions – rather than someone really bored, being really stupid and boring on your everyday blog.

So after reading this post over at Pugnacious Priest, I was thinking that surely there can be something done about that! It is definitely not right that some bloggers should be excluded from trolling, I believe in equal opportunities for everybody! And as I have just recently (accidentally! /blush) managed to “export” a troll from Raging Monkeys over to Tam and Chas at Righteous Orbs, I figured I have a knack for this kinda thing – I can help the Pugnacious Priest and all other bloggers out that would love a troll of their own!

Are you tired to be left out on the trolling? Yearning for the genuine experience?  Welcome to the exclusive Raging Monkeys troll market! See our selection of troll rentals exclusively designed to your personal comfort below!

Take your pick – we got them all!

(A- Level) The LOL-Troll©

The LOL-Troll is a first level troll: he is generally cheap and doesn’t put a lot of effort into his trolling. His comments rarely make sense and aren’t on topic – this troll is not looking to argue, he is here to mock you and make fun of a single word or argument in your post. Leetspeak will frequently occur.

At some point during the exchange with the LOL-Troll, you will start wondering which of your not-so-friendly ex-guildmates might have stumbled upon your blog.

Specials: Personal attacks, sarcasm, excessive mockery. Status: on stock.

(B- Level) The Extremist©

The Extremist is looking for specific parts in your argument for him to twist or take out of context. He is fond of hyperbole and passive-aggressive by default, convinced that you are out to impose your personal views on the entire world. He will therefore seek to undermine your reasoning by taking all your thoughts to extremes, trying to brand you as the self-righteous hypocrite you really aren’t. You will frequently find this troll making statements like “and where do you draw the line?!” or “stop playing God!”. Living in a world of stark black and white, the subtleties of differentiation or common sense elude the Extremist.

Specials: Hyperbole, presumption, selective hearing. Status: on stock.

(C- Level) The Preacher©

The Preacher is a bigot in disguise. Trying to present himself as a considerate and committed commenter, this troll is actually not looking for serious debate. Self-righteous in nature, the Preacher is the ultimate authority and keeper of truths: because he is right, you can only be wrong. He is looking to “win” arguments and will aim to undermine your integrity by condescension, biased attacks and stereotyping.

On his crusade to make everybody see the error of their ways, the Preacher will use a large toolbox of rhetoric twists while cunningly ignoring all counter-arguments pointed at the innumerable holes in his logic. You will find yourself running in circles or whack-a-moling while trying to discuss with this specimen. The Preacher loves the sound of his own voice.

Specials: Circular argument, rhetoric tautology, excessive use of WoT. Status: on stock.

 

All Rent-a-Trolls© are made of genuine, 24-carat bullshit and come with their own special cardboard box and factory seal.

This is NOT a Rent-a-Troll©! Beware of scammers!

Unfortunately the troll market has not escaped the ever-growing industry of piracy. We are currently taking legal action against the distribution of unlicensed troll look-a-likes and illegal replica, distributed by an aggressive Asian manufacturer who has started to copy and sell sub-standard specimens under the label “troll”. Please beware of related phishing emails and fake Rent-a-Troll© advertisement! We would also like to point out briefly how to look out for fakes:

This is no troll. This is merely an intense commenter. He sets himself apart from genuine trolls in several essential ways. The intense commenter is very opinionated and passionate, looking to test his strong views against yours. He might even provoke you a little to engage in conversation with him. He will write longer comments than others and can get heated when feeling misunderstood. However, this commenter is genuinely interested in debate and grasps the concept of respecting different viewpoints. He will always criticize or attack arguments, never the person. He lacks any sense of self-entitlement, is capable to switch perspectives and can agree to disagree. This commenter is worth your time, he is for real and comes for free.

Do not mistake this commenter for a troll, he does not meet the required quality standards! Raging Monkeys will not reimburse any costs related to fake troll services!

Additional details and shipping information

Please note that Rent-a-Troll© services are currently exclusive to World of Warcraft blogs. The standard Rent-A-Troll© package consists of a troll of your choice, bringing jolly good trolling to your WoW blog for the duration of 2 weekdays, starting on the following Monday of receiving email confirmation. On expiration of this period, the troll will vanish and head back to the mothership.

Rent-a-Troll© services are currently free of charge (non-refundable). Customers looking to rent a professional troll are kindly requested to place their order to Raging Monkeys through the Mail Monkey system (see our side-panel). Information on the troll specimen of your choice and your blog’s URL are required. As we are expecting a massive demand, you may only order one troll service per blog at this time. Overseas deliveries (USA, Asia, Australia, Africa) might take up to 3-5 days of additional wait time.

Raging Monkeys deny responsibility for any potential harm done to your blog by a Rent-a-Troll©. Any damages action or claims for compensation are refuted. There is no right of appeal.

Happy shopping!

P.S. All troll comments in response to this thread will be deleted, unless submitted with a genuine Raging Monkeys certificate of trollish authenticity. Good luck with that!

Rent-a-Troll© is a Raging Monkeys trademark. All rights reserved.

20 comments

  1. Could I perchance order one for cuddling services? I have no need for textual diatribes, but I do so much enjoy the feel of a cuddly troll. Or maybe just one for my desk–although I do require clothing for it since, well, the kiddies don’t need to see troll butt in the morning.

  2. @Windsoar
    Hmmmm, a most peculiar request! I shall let our factory know there is demand for the cuddly kind, see what they can do!

    @PugnaciousP
    There has not been any such mix-up of trolls or respective complaints to our knowledge. Should you find your blog visited by a wrong troll, it is most likely a fake in which case we would require authenticity certificates before taking further action! =D

    We will most happily prioritize you on another troll service, should the error be on our side.

    @Issy
    We are currently working on the female edition – there were some minor difficulties regarding our troll housing after which we found the female trolls on strike, asking for better living conditions and amenities.

    and Thanks! ^^

  3. Hmmmm…. I do have some trolls of my own but, hey, the more the merrier, right? I’d like to put in an order for The Preacher. He looks like my type – also since I have reputation for self-righteousness I guess it would be thematically appropriate.

    What’s the etiquette involved in hiring a troll? I’m nervous. Do I just put the money on the nightstand afterwards? Do I need to use protection? Is there anything my troll won’t do?

    Also, yes, troll export was hilarious – I suspect trolls are probably slightly contagious anyway :)

  4. Seeing as how I don’t typically get trolls on my blog, I’ll take one of each kind, please.

    Apparently I need some notoriety.

    Strangely, I get a decent amount of in-game trolls (players that create toons to /w me in-game about why something I’ve written is wrong): could I please exchange some of those for the blogging kind?

    Thank you very much, and thanks also for an entertaining post. :)

  5. I would like an Extremist Troll with no body hair. You see, I may need him for some “explosive” comment posting, and I don’t want any DNA evidence at the scene that would in any way lead back to me.

  6. @Tam
    I have a feeling you are looking for another kind of service! =P
    This is a very hostile crowd we are renting out, so I’m not sure you wanna erm….try your luck with one of our trolls. I could however pull some strings and see what my goblin associates in booty bay can do for you! ;)

    @Larísa
    That shouldn’t be hard to arrange. They are however most responsive to being called anonymous or anon.

    @Hinenuitepo
    Yeah those ingame specimens have nothing to do with ours! one of each is unfortunately not an option at this point, we are facing quite the demand atm.

    and thanks ^^

    @Gronthe
    lmao…I do not know what to say to that to be honest. you do realize we expect to get our trolls back unharmed and in one piece, yes?

  7. I’ll take whatever you have in stock. I can handle them!
    Maybe I should do like the troll-keeper blogger and write some troll-scrumptious posts to lure them in.

    Look no further than noisyrogue for inspiration!

  8. @Lady E
    Glad you enjoyed it! =)
    and one of each is not an option at this time I’m afraid, for more info see few comments further up.

    @Dwism
    Ah but it’s not that easy you see, we don’t get trolls with this, we get trolls of our own when we’re actually trying to write nice and thoughtful posts. ;)

  9. I had a splendid troll named Derrek entering my inn the other day. But now that he’s done his work I’m happy to return him. Feel free to send him to someone else in need of a troll. I think this one will go perticularly well with anything related to gender.

  10. Brilliant!

    One of the best posts I’ve read in months. I was laughing at my desk (you know while I’m supposed to be like… working).

    Are Political Trolls (Poli-Trolls) and Norris Trolls (Chucky-Trolls) part of your service? If not, you could further diversify and provide a more professional in-game experience… hell knows we need more of those on /2.

  11. @Bronte
    My thanks, and that would be ma’am! ;)

    @Lyriah

    Chuck Norris…my god why haven’t we thought of this before?? I will make sure this gets taken up for the next troll season, I’ll keep you posted!

  12. Might I be able to order a troll?
    Any kind will do, preferrably a named one if possible.

    Also, Chuck Norris trolls are a must.

    Thanks for making my day with this post =)

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