We’re living in beautiful times. There is a service for almost every of our needs, a gigantic industry revolving around providing and catering to our comforts. If you don’t manage to cook or clean up anymore because of your excessive time spent on World of Warcraft, just call up a number and get that pizza delivered straight home while the laundry service takes care of the washing and dry-cleaning. Too lazy to go shopping? PC homeshopping! Can’t be arsed to answer the phone? Here’s a catalog to the latest generation of answering machines! Can’t reach the light switch? Clap your hands twice!
We’ve seen a lot of trolling in the WoW blogosphere lately. These are busy times, Larísa and Tobold can both tell you about it and so can numerous other bloggers. Dealing with trolls is interesting at best, but unfortunately it doesn’t end there. Yet some bloggers think that getting a troll is like an “award” of sorts, some bizarre recognition of your blog’s publicity or the relevance of your opinions – rather than someone really bored, being really stupid and boring on your everyday blog.
So after reading this post over at Pugnacious Priest, I was thinking that surely there can be something done about that! It is definitely not right that some bloggers should be excluded from trolling, I believe in equal opportunities for everybody! And as I have just recently (accidentally! /blush) managed to “export” a troll from Raging Monkeys over to Tam and Chas at Righteous Orbs, I figured I have a knack for this kinda thing – I can help the Pugnacious Priest and all other bloggers out that would love a troll of their own!
Are you tired to be left out on the trolling? Yearning for the genuine experience? Welcome to the exclusive Raging Monkeys troll market! See our selection of troll rentals exclusively designed to your personal comfort below!
Take your pick – we got them all!
(A- Level) The LOL-Troll©
The LOL-Troll is a first level troll: he is generally cheap and doesn’t put a lot of effort into his trolling. His comments rarely make sense and aren’t on topic – this troll is not looking to argue, he is here to mock you and make fun of a single word or argument in your post. Leetspeak will frequently occur.
At some point during the exchange with the LOL-Troll, you will start wondering which of your not-so-friendly ex-guildmates might have stumbled upon your blog.
(B- Level) The Extremist©
The Extremist is looking for specific parts in your argument for him to twist or take out of context. He is fond of hyperbole and passive-aggressive by default, convinced that you are out to impose your personal views on the entire world. He will therefore seek to undermine your reasoning by taking all your thoughts to extremes, trying to brand you as the self-righteous hypocrite you really aren’t. You will frequently find this troll making statements like “and where do you draw the line?!” or “stop playing God!”. Living in a world of stark black and white, the subtleties of differentiation or common sense elude the Extremist.
(C- Level) The Preacher©
The Preacher is a bigot in disguise. Trying to present himself as a considerate and committed commenter, this troll is actually not looking for serious debate. Self-righteous in nature, the Preacher is the ultimate authority and keeper of truths: because he is right, you can only be wrong. He is looking to “win” arguments and will aim to undermine your integrity by condescension, biased attacks and stereotyping.
On his crusade to make everybody see the error of their ways, the Preacher will use a large toolbox of rhetoric twists while cunningly ignoring all counter-arguments pointed at the innumerable holes in his logic. You will find yourself running in circles or whack-a-moling while trying to discuss with this specimen. The Preacher loves the sound of his own voice.
All Rent-a-Trolls© are made of genuine, 24-carat bullshit and come with their own special cardboard box and factory seal.
This is NOT a Rent-a-Troll©! Beware of scammers!
Unfortunately the troll market has not escaped the ever-growing industry of piracy. We are currently taking legal action against the distribution of unlicensed troll look-a-likes and illegal replica, distributed by an aggressive Asian manufacturer who has started to copy and sell sub-standard specimens under the label “troll”. Please beware of related phishing emails and fake Rent-a-Troll© advertisement! We would also like to point out briefly how to look out for fakes:
This is no troll. This is merely an intense commenter. He sets himself apart from genuine trolls in several essential ways. The intense commenter is very opinionated and passionate, looking to test his strong views against yours. He might even provoke you a little to engage in conversation with him. He will write longer comments than others and can get heated when feeling misunderstood. However, this commenter is genuinely interested in debate and grasps the concept of respecting different viewpoints. He will always criticize or attack arguments, never the person. He lacks any sense of self-entitlement, is capable to switch perspectives and can agree to disagree. This commenter is worth your time, he is for real and comes for free.
Do not mistake this commenter for a troll, he does not meet the required quality standards! Raging Monkeys will not reimburse any costs related to fake troll services!
Additional details and shipping information
Please note that Rent-a-Troll© services are currently exclusive to World of Warcraft blogs. The standard Rent-A-Troll© package consists of a troll of your choice, bringing jolly good trolling to your WoW blog for the duration of 2 weekdays, starting on the following Monday of receiving email confirmation. On expiration of this period, the troll will vanish and head back to the mothership.
Rent-a-Troll© services are currently free of charge (non-refundable). Customers looking to rent a professional troll are kindly requested to place their order to Raging Monkeys through the Mail Monkey system (see our side-panel). Information on the troll specimen of your choice and your blog’s URL are required. As we are expecting a massive demand, you may only order one troll service per blog at this time. Overseas deliveries (USA, Asia, Australia, Africa) might take up to 3-5 days of additional wait time.
Raging Monkeys deny responsibility for any potential harm done to your blog by a Rent-a-Troll©. Any damages action or claims for compensation are refuted. There is no right of appeal.
Happy shopping!
P.S. All troll comments in response to this thread will be deleted, unless submitted with a genuine Raging Monkeys certificate of trollish authenticity. Good luck with that!
Rent-a-Troll© is a Raging Monkeys trademark. All rights reserved.